ferme ta gueule

It's started again. I feel insecure because my mother acted against me again. I just don't know what to do in those situations. I want to run but I have nowhere to run. I don't want to fight because I will loose. I can't express anything without my mother seeing a criticism against her. .. here again I feel like I have to justify myself, go through everything I even said, think of anything I might have thought that might have been interpreted as ... it doesn't fucking matter. Why do I have to dig my brains out to see what egg I might have stepped on that might have cracked. I am so sick of this. I want to stop. I want to be in a place where I don't have to have to think of what I might have thought that might have been interpreted as ... I don't care, I just want it to stop. And now I'm being hyper-vigilant and paranoid and startling at every single little noise ... I'm just expecting my mother to run in with her crazy face on and throwing shit around and breaking everything in her path. She scares me. She really really scares me. I can do nothing against her. The craziness has started and it's in its nature to not end. To not tell when it ends. I'm always gonna be in this insecure spot when I don't know what I'm going to lose next.
One day my old therapist Lisa said, "that's crazy-making behavior". The first time I explained that to her she said just that. That was the first time anyone really understood what I was going through. That was twenty years ago and right now I'm exactly in the same spot. I feel like I just want to crawl under a smaller rock and try to get forgotten. Again. I have to get out of here as soon as I possibly can. I have $2500. Maybe I should just bail out of here. Get a hotel room or something. Get the fuck out of that toxic environment.