saturday

My brother told me something that's been bothering me. My father justified being a deadbeat parent by saying that it's helped me. So, not taking care of me was his way of caring about and caring for me? This was his plan the whole time? He's so dishonest it makes me sick to my stomach. I want to vomit. I don't know where to go from there. Sue* sent a message: "how are you? we all want to see you", but I don't want to see or talk to any of them. I 'm not part of that group. This whole thing is so fucked up. I feel like I'm on a battlefield, everything explodes around me, and I'm just waiting for the next blow that's gonna hit me. So I run, and I run. I know I'm doomed but I keep on running. Just in case. I thought I was resigned and could handle it. But it's hitting me harder than I thought.
Everyday is a little bit deeper in a deep tunnel. I don't know where it goes. I don't think it will ever stop.