sanity

Methinks that I just need to get some distance from all this to get some hindsight and critical thinking around all that. It is true that when I'm right there in the middle of everything, I do tend to freak out quite easily. I have talked with y sister a bit about all this; she's stronger because she's just more used to it. I have no experience an no resistance. But I still need to protect myself and not throw myself at the mercy of all that bullshit. I am quite vulnerable.
I'm really not alone in this. There's actually a lot of old family history an dynamics involved, and I don't have to find a solution all on my own.
I emailed my father about a week ago. Told him that he has been an asshole to me my whole entire life but that at this time it didn't really matter and I forgave him whatever he wanted - whatever may happen now doesn't really matter. I told him that he needed to forgive himself and find some peace and if he wanted to, even accept me.
He hasn't replied yet. Whatever happens is not my responsibility. He can email if he wants. He can say whatever he wants. I wonder a bit what he's going through, of course. There's more at stake that me or him; there's also my brother and two other sisters. We'll see.
I had this weird and very strong dream where ... I knew the past and the future and I hurt someone to prevent something bad from happening. Didn't hurt someone too bad, though. John Robinson somehow was involved.