move on

I can't go back home. I can't go back to that place. I realize that twenty years later I'm still at exactly the same place. Nowhere to go, no way to get there. I really have to get creative or choose to completely sink. There are no two choices. My mother lives in a world where there's no space for anyone else but herself. It's always been like that and I'm done thinking about her better interest. I have to decide to live for my own self. It's gonna be hard because I'm not a very sociable person and I easily isolate. What I think I need often seems like expedient means - "a car, a job, a house" - when what I really need is to start asking for help. I have never asked for help. I have isolated, I have hidden my needs from everyone including mine own self. Because very deep I feel that I don't deserve anything good. Because I still run those reels, I still keep faithful, I still take the abuse from that monster. She is a monster. She's my hungry ghost that can never be satiated. I need to cut myself completely off or I need to just end my life right away. There's no use trying to work through it.