Everyone..

"Everyone would love it if you could come and visit".. my brother says.
"Everyone would love".. that sounds so nice. Like, the Prince (he's a hot blondie), on his white horse, would looOOoove if I came over. He would just be delighted.
He would never tire of telling me how much he looOOooves having me over..
Sigh!
It's really hard to imagine. Nobody's ever looOOooved anything about me over there, so it's hard to imagine that they would be delighted, only to see me.
But, apparently, my father IS in the hospital..
I still don't know what to make of this.
I am not going to call them.
I am just going to wait, wait a little more, just a little more.
Until I am worthy of my father's attention.
Who knows when this might be?

email from M.

This is unexpected. Weird. I don't know what to make of this.

"Hello L.,
How have you been? It's been a while, I hope all is well. Things have been pretty crazy down here. If you have some time it would be great to talk to you. Please call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx or xxx-xxx-xxxx. So where have you been and what have you been up to?

Thanks,

M."

Haven't talked to my brother in years.
Things are pretty crazy down there? I don't know what it could mean. I have more apprehension than anything. I just don't know what to say, where to begin.
If I have some time?
Thanks?
He never - EVER - had this tone with me before.
(Is my father dying or something?)
I'm going to sit on that one a couple of more days.

dream

I dreamt that I got some test results back and was diagnosed with hep B and C and cancer.
It reminded me of this line in the Diamond Sutra about attaining human life and not idling it away ..

Went for coffee. Saw one of my old clients. I see lots of them around these days.
I think that his name is John. He used to be on methadone.
His story was pretty sad. His "participation into the program" had to be "re-evaluated" (he got kicked out), because he wouldn't end his very unethical relationship with another provider; she'd give him money, would have him come to her house .. apparently, they shared a lot of common issues.
He was basically abusing her trust. She was either stupid or naive, probably both.
I think I remember that she lost her job over this.
He looks like shit now. Hands all puffy, nodding off, tale-tell signs of heroin.
Then there was Jason. Tall black drag queen, a bit younger than me. Charming and articulate: a consummate fiend. He's more likely (still) on meth. Looks like shit, too. I run into him some mornings on my way to the train station. He's usually walking "back" home. I think he lives in some s.r.o. on 6th.
They all look so much older now.
That was ten years ago.
All of us are going nowhere.

There are so many homeless people around my neighborhood these days. I see many people living in their cars. It's so sad.
It's very sad. I see a lot of older people living in their cars. Today after coffee (@ the brainwash), on my way home, there was this old dude.. he had a pick up truck with a cab in the back. It was all filled with stuff. The passenger seat was all filled up with stuff. A radio, clothes, grocery bags.. and a whole lot of bags, plastic bags everywhere. It's just so sad to end up old and homeless and alone.
I hope the Obama health care plan goes forward.

Fr33 freitag

free friday - loong weekend.
I'm so fucking broke, and I don't care.
My drug combo was working pretty good, but I stopped it. I started running, and that was more effective. And then i stopped, for some reason.
I stopped for lack of motivation. And because i felt bad about being such a loser.
Went out with friends I had not seen in over a year, got really trashed - oh, I hate this whole Castro scene - and felt bad about it for weeks..
Now I really need to get back on track / literally.
Addicts say: "KISS: Keep It Simple, Stupid!"
That should work for me.