away

I have been at my sister's house for a good three weeks now. I can tell she's getting sick of my being here. Tonight she has a headache and pretends she's sick. As soon as I'm away, I can hear them argue in the living room... It's time I just leave, I think. I have a hotel booked for six days on the 7th. That's another two weeks form now. I don't know what to do until then. There's this sense of urgency, as usual... I have this "contact" through a roommate service. He's interested. I'm interested. I just realized it's a one bedroom apartment, probably doesn't have WiFi... I don't know what to do... I'm ready for anything. I'm ready for nothing, really. "Temporary hardships"? It's been temporary forever as far as I'm concerned. It's eleven in the evening. I wish I was outside, in a storm, in the rain, anywhere outside; I wish I could be just swept away in a gust of wind. I am in a storm, I can feel it. I imagine there are Arhats walking all around me. Only they leave no trace and my unskilled heart can't recognize them.
The present is where people are.

move on

I can't go back home. I can't go back to that place. I realize that twenty years later I'm still at exactly the same place. Nowhere to go, no way to get there. I really have to get creative or choose to completely sink. There are no two choices. My mother lives in a world where there's no space for anyone else but herself. It's always been like that and I'm done thinking about her better interest. I have to decide to live for my own self. It's gonna be hard because I'm not a very sociable person and I easily isolate. What I think I need often seems like expedient means - "a car, a job, a house" - when what I really need is to start asking for help. I have never asked for help. I have isolated, I have hidden my needs from everyone including mine own self. Because very deep I feel that I don't deserve anything good. Because I still run those reels, I still keep faithful, I still take the abuse from that monster. She is a monster. She's my hungry ghost that can never be satiated. I need to cut myself completely off or I need to just end my life right away. There's no use trying to work through it.