Monday morning ..

.. at the office and I feel like my bowels are just going to fall off onto my desk any minute now. I'm going to vomit, puke all of my innards out. All of my body fluids are going to flow uncontrollably out of my orifices and I'm just going to lay there, an empty shell. I so not want to be here right now. It's like a little death, every moment I spend here. It's like taking a blow in the stomach, every moment of every day. More and more alienated from what I do for work. Less and less relationship with any of that crap. I just want to run away to my happy place of not being here, not having anyone to tell me what to do. I just want to shrink back into my own skin and vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish vanish

more and more lonely

I'm more and more lonely. Will I eventually dissolve?
I feel like I'm drifting down the rabbit hole.
What's gonna happen, I have no idea.

My ghosts are..
My father. I am terrified of seeing him. I would freeze, have a panic attack. He just evokes nothing positive. I just know that my father didn't have my interest in mind. That;s the least I can say. It made me feel unloved and alone. That's still how I feel on a bad day. It's been very bleak, for a very long, long time.

That's the small story.

idont