sanity

Methinks that I just need to get some distance from all this to get some hindsight and critical thinking around all that. It is true that when I'm right there in the middle of everything, I do tend to freak out quite easily. I have talked with y sister a bit about all this; she's stronger because she's just more used to it. I have no experience an no resistance. But I still need to protect myself and not throw myself at the mercy of all that bullshit. I am quite vulnerable.
I'm really not alone in this. There's actually a lot of old family history an dynamics involved, and I don't have to find a solution all on my own.
I emailed my father about a week ago. Told him that he has been an asshole to me my whole entire life but that at this time it didn't really matter and I forgave him whatever he wanted - whatever may happen now doesn't really matter. I told him that he needed to forgive himself and find some peace and if he wanted to, even accept me.
He hasn't replied yet. Whatever happens is not my responsibility. He can email if he wants. He can say whatever he wants. I wonder a bit what he's going through, of course. There's more at stake that me or him; there's also my brother and two other sisters. We'll see.
I had this weird and very strong dream where ... I knew the past and the future and I hurt someone to prevent something bad from happening. Didn't hurt someone too bad, though. John Robinson somehow was involved.

ferme ta gueule

It's started again. I feel insecure because my mother acted against me again. I just don't know what to do in those situations. I want to run but I have nowhere to run. I don't want to fight because I will loose. I can't express anything without my mother seeing a criticism against her. .. here again I feel like I have to justify myself, go through everything I even said, think of anything I might have thought that might have been interpreted as ... it doesn't fucking matter. Why do I have to dig my brains out to see what egg I might have stepped on that might have cracked. I am so sick of this. I want to stop. I want to be in a place where I don't have to have to think of what I might have thought that might have been interpreted as ... I don't care, I just want it to stop. And now I'm being hyper-vigilant and paranoid and startling at every single little noise ... I'm just expecting my mother to run in with her crazy face on and throwing shit around and breaking everything in her path. She scares me. She really really scares me. I can do nothing against her. The craziness has started and it's in its nature to not end. To not tell when it ends. I'm always gonna be in this insecure spot when I don't know what I'm going to lose next.
One day my old therapist Lisa said, "that's crazy-making behavior". The first time I explained that to her she said just that. That was the first time anyone really understood what I was going through. That was twenty years ago and right now I'm exactly in the same spot. I feel like I just want to crawl under a smaller rock and try to get forgotten. Again. I have to get out of here as soon as I possibly can. I have $2500. Maybe I should just bail out of here. Get a hotel room or something. Get the fuck out of that toxic environment.

Wednesday

It's already been a week. I sleep OK now. Woke up at 6 for no other reason than I had slept since 11 the night before. Good. I went for a long walk yesterday. I'm so out of shape. My legs and back hurt. I have to go slow. I also have to get better equipment. I have almost nothing to wear. I only have one pair of jeans, which is not ideal. But I have time. It's raining and cold right now and the forest is all muddy and not easy to tread. I hope that in a month or so It'll be warmer and less wet, and that I can start running / cross training. But it's already staring to get all green, which is great. I give myself another 3 weeks to one month to get in better shape and start to train seriously.

4AM

It's 4AM and I can't sleep. I drank one bottle of Port and half a gallon of red and I still can't sleep. And then I realize what this is all about. I'm thinking of what I should do, and I'm thinking that I should hide my computer somewhere. Because that's the most valuable single thing I have. With music and pictures and lots of things that I like, that I have. I just realized that I'm afraid my mom will come in and destroy everything. Like she used to do. Come in once in a while, randomly and intermittently, and break everything .. out the window. With screams, and tears, and cries .. hers, because she's unhappy, and she's taking it out on me. Because ... we didn't really have an argument last night, but somehow she accused me of talking behind her back ... when that wasn't true .. but she used to say that .. that T. (my best friend) and I used to foment who knows what conspiracy against her .. when really, we were just eleven year old kids and in a world of our own. I feel like I still have to justify myself - to no account - it's a no-win situation, because she always wins, she always sets up the game and the rules and all, and I always lose. Why does she need to do that? Why do I need to do that?
I was eleven years old. Please give me a break. Please leave me alone now.

maison

So I've been home for a couple of days now. And I remember why it was so difficult to stay. My mom is already driving me crazy. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with her. She can't make any decision without bouncing off the walls. Not the smallest one. Not even making a cup of coffee. But I have to realize that my reactions have nothing to do with her. I'm going to have to learn to be very clear with boundaries and not get sucked up in her craziness.
For now it's raining and cold. The weather is quite crappy. 'twas 'sposed to be nice this week-end. Meh! I still have next week-end to hang out. Ah ah ah!! I usually have two weeks holidays during which I can hang out with my family; now I have another .. 40+ years to hang out!! YEAHH!! No matter how crazy my family is, we're all together in the same boat. I love them, I want to be near them. :+)

@ SFO

All checked in and waiting for my flight.
I am soo tired.
This is going to be sooo long.
Taking the bike was relatively easy, though.
There ain't nobody at SFO at this time of day.
They say that millions of laptops get stolen in airports.
Gotta be careful.
I am so tired and hungry. I don't want any coffee though or I'll be all frazzled all day.

Island Song

17 hours

The bike is in the box. 92 linear inches, or something close. One suitcase, one carry-on. Everything else is gone. I have vacuum, and then that's it.
I can tell my mom is nervous. She's all like; "what do you wan tot eat when you get here? What do you want to do? What are you doing the first week?"
I really haven't thought about what I want to eat after a 20 hour ordeal across two continents. I really shouldn't care. I think that I'd just want to sleep.
It's going to be hard to leave everything behind. I'm gonna miss my roommate Michael. We've always got along well. Never had an argument. And we smoked a lot of weed and watched a lot of tv.
And now there will be France instead. It's just going to be very different.

36 hours

It's 7:30-ish PM. I just ordered my shuttle to the airport for Tuesday 7:30AM. I have 36 hours left in the city. It's kind of crazy. It's starting to really hit me now that I'm going away and not returning. I'm not going for a month and then going back to my normal life. My normal life is going to be different now. I need to do a few more things. Take the bike down and in the box. Go to the bank get euros. That girl is coming tomorrow eve for the mattress. Drop a few clothes in the drop box around the corner. Vacuum a little bit more. And then that's it. 7:15AM my shuttle comes and pick me up. 36 more hours.

D - 4

Well, really D-5, without counting the departure date. I still need to figure out how to get to the airport with my bike and all the other stuff. I just talked to my mom. She says it's not really cold right now - about 14 Celsius.
Tomorrow's my last Friday in the City. We're going to tear it down. Or up. I want to go to the Pilsner. ....
Funny how those conversations can become oh so mundane. Who really gives a shit about details. We want to hear something else.
I realize that my life is going to be very different very soon. I'm going to be into soil, plants, seeds, plating stuff, getting dirty, the cold, the wet, etc ...
Things like ... ssr's, html, Glee, weed, Tu Lan ... are going to feel very remote for a very long time ...

D - 8

Today is Monday. I'm going home next Tuesday. Everything's pretty much ready. I still have a few things that I need to give away; my mattress, a shelf ..
My mother is talking with my father. She's asking him for money. Whatever happens between those two is entirely between the two of them. I am totally not involved. If my mother can get some money out of him, that's great. But that's her money, and I am not involved. Today I have to do laundry. I think there's a dinner I need to be at tonight. That's about all. Got my state refund, still waiting for the federal. That should already have come. That's another $800 that I need. My mother thinks that I need a car. I have never owned a car, ever.

saturday

So I've been unemployed for a week now. I haven't done much in that time. Today I'm getting out of the house and going to North Beach or something. I have my ticket, I'm going on the 15th; that's 10 more days. This is unreal. My coworkers want to have a party for me. I honestly think that I could do without; it's as much fpr them as it is for me, I guess... I think I'll choose the Pilsner ...
My room is almost completely empty. It's amazing that my whole life does fit in two suitcases and a laptop. Some cute vegetarian biker is moving in. That's nice. I hope M. and A. and him get along. We cleaned the house real good; it looks very nice now.
I still have to accept the fact that I'm not going on a two weeks holiday and then coming back and resuming my normal life of taking the train and going to work ... all this is definitely over. No more Palo Alto, no more Stanford people, no more of all that bullshit ..
I feel liberated .... maybe I would feel more free if I actually used that new freedom. I'm definitely going somewhere today. Today I shall have lunch at House of Nanking.
I think I'm going to travel some around Europe. My plan is to do: Paris to Nice, to Venice, to Zagreb, to Budapest. Then, instead of doing the normal Bratislava to Vienna to Prague, I'm thinking of going the other way to Timisoara, Bucharest, Sofia, Burgas, and Istanbul.
I can always go to Barcelona on week-ends.

Tuesday

2nd day off. I have to do something today. Can't stay home smoke weed all day. It's amazing how as soon as I have a a little bit of money, I find myself shopping online for things that I didn't need until now. Like shoes. OK, I have no shoes; I have one pair of really old converse sneakers, with holes everywhere, falling apart, and that's all. I probably need some decent shoes because it's cold and wet and cold over there. Even here, I can't walk two blocks without getting me feet wet.
Meanwhile, I need to clean the house. Scrub the bathroom, scrub the kitchen, vacuum everywhere. Someone's coming to see the room at 5:30PM, and I need to sell it. Well, it's not my job, but I want to make a good impression. I love this house. M. (my roommate) thinks the guy should move in - it's a friend of a friend and this and that.
I haven't booked my ticket yet. I'm waiting for my debit card from my HSA. I know it has nothing to do with the ticket, but it has something to do with the date.