Moody Bitch
I'm always so optimistic for other people, and always so the opposite for myself. Or maybe not. I'm a grouchy unhappy person most of the time, especially at work. Or maybe not. I don't know. This is so contradictory. I'm so confused.
Deep down I have no hope for myself. But I think I have a solution. My sister even said that to me. She said: "you don't have to do it for yourself. You can do it for someone else".
I am so stupid. I am so slow. I just got that.
Every parent wants their kids to participate. For my parents it was different.
I really think now that my mother could have been declared not legally responsible for reason of insanity. Or something like that. We have come to terms with lots of our shortcomings, we've made amends, we're doing better.
For my father, what was more important was to avoid his responsibilities, as always.
So he blames me for taking the decision to leave him when I was fifteen. He was the parent, but he wasn't responsible. And I've carried this fault ever since. If I'm so fucked up now it's entirely my fault. My father is a fucking piece of shit.
But I have to take a little bit of distance.
Maybe I'm looking for validation from him after all. I need to accept that it's not going to happen. It makes me laugh, it sounds so silly. Is there really a little boy in me that just wants his daddy to love him?
I haven't accepted the question, so there's no possibility of an answer.
That's why I'm running away, all the time. All the fucking time, running between the bombs. What's gonna explode in my face, next? It's all fear and pain and loss.
I need a more nurturing environment. I need to nurture a better environment.
It's just very simple. I need to accept that I want to be happy - rather than unhappy - and I can pretend I'm doing it for someone else.
I think it could work out really well, and not necessarily for me, but for the future.
OMG! I just realized something. I used to say to clients: "you know, a higher power can be anything you want. It can be your cat, a color, an idea" And I used to think that IKB could be my higher power, just for today. Maybe The Future can also be a higher power.
Deep down I have no hope for myself. But I think I have a solution. My sister even said that to me. She said: "you don't have to do it for yourself. You can do it for someone else".
I am so stupid. I am so slow. I just got that.
Every parent wants their kids to participate. For my parents it was different.
I really think now that my mother could have been declared not legally responsible for reason of insanity. Or something like that. We have come to terms with lots of our shortcomings, we've made amends, we're doing better.
For my father, what was more important was to avoid his responsibilities, as always.
So he blames me for taking the decision to leave him when I was fifteen. He was the parent, but he wasn't responsible. And I've carried this fault ever since. If I'm so fucked up now it's entirely my fault. My father is a fucking piece of shit.
But I have to take a little bit of distance.
Maybe I'm looking for validation from him after all. I need to accept that it's not going to happen. It makes me laugh, it sounds so silly. Is there really a little boy in me that just wants his daddy to love him?
I haven't accepted the question, so there's no possibility of an answer.
That's why I'm running away, all the time. All the fucking time, running between the bombs. What's gonna explode in my face, next? It's all fear and pain and loss.
I need a more nurturing environment. I need to nurture a better environment.
It's just very simple. I need to accept that I want to be happy - rather than unhappy - and I can pretend I'm doing it for someone else.
I think it could work out really well, and not necessarily for me, but for the future.
OMG! I just realized something. I used to say to clients: "you know, a higher power can be anything you want. It can be your cat, a color, an idea" And I used to think that IKB could be my higher power, just for today. Maybe The Future can also be a higher power.
Posted by Lorenzo at
19:32
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