Leon

Leon: "Listen Mathilda, you gotta be careful. You can't just speak to any guy off the street." Matilda: "Léon, get a grip. What's the big fucking deal? I was just smoking a butt while I was waiting."

Last day @ work

Four more hours and I'm done. Playing Kent on the stereo. Who cares, really?? Issued that last round the world. Seats and meals assigned. I'm all done here.
It's kind of sad. I'm never gonna sit at this desk and answer that phone again.
I'm not gonna see the homeless of Shallow Alto. I'm not gonna see the rich people in their bentleys, of Shallow Alto. Quel domage.

Last day @ work

It's actually tomorrow, but we kinda said goodbye tonight. Now it's just a question of when I get my money. Then I just go. SFO, Chicago, Paris.
Last time also I was gonna ride that train. How many years? Three? Four? Five? I can't even remember.
Tomorrow I have to issue a round the world for some brat. Took her three weeks to decide. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Vegetarian meals, aisle seats, frequent flyer number, then it's all done... I wish we still issued our own tickets. That was more interesting. Things change, I guess.
Twenty more minutes and I go drop my clothes in the dryer. Nobody at Brainwash tonight. I guess the cool kids don't do their laundry on a Friday night.

wednesday

Three more days of work. Today was totally ridiculous. People just get on my nerve. I'm so sick and tired to hear "cheap", or "cheaper" a million times a day. I'm glad it's ending. I just want some peace and quiet. A long walk in the forest. Air to breathe. I just want to be very far from here. I think I should go see my father, but I just don't want to. Airfare is almost $250. Greyhound takes forever.
I'm looking at different things ... I want to go to Barcelona in March, or April. Maybe by train; it'd be cool to go with my sister.
Now I'm looking at training it to Amsterdam and Berlin. Darn.

monday

walked up to coit tower today. five more days of work. oh i'd love to take my once a year paid volunteer day sometime this week. five more days. five more days and i'm free. tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday. illnois is the prairie state. kentucky is the bluegrass state. five more days and i can go home forever. i don't know what i'm gonna do, i may go away for a few days...

sunday

Next Saturday is my last day at work. Yoohoo! 5 more days of work, and then I'm off, forever. I still have two more weeks to go after that; I have to wait for my last pay check. Then I'll do a little bit of hanging around and maybe travel to San Diego ... I don't know yet.
I have spent another Sunday trapped in my house. I never go out, I never see anyone, I just find something to do that takes me all day and then I just spend the day doing just that. Today I transfered 200 gigs of porn to a different hard drive. Something i don't need, something that I can easily delete and never miss. Since I rarely watch the porn that I have, anyways ..
I went to the store to buy pasta. hat's all I eat these days. I'm too poor for anything else. On my way to the store - I go to that one because it's far and gives me an excuse to get out, and because it's very cheap - I saw some dude getting a blow job in an alley way, I saw drunk obnoxious people, and I saw a whole bunch of people who shouldn't be there - drunk obnoxious suburbanites who think it's cool to come to the city to be stupid.
I definitely feel that my battle is not here. There's nothing I want to salvage here. There's nothing I want to redeem.
I'm off tomorrow; that's gonna be another day of being lonely and unmedicated. I am too poor for weed, and I am too poor for booze even.

My day at the dmv.

I went to the dmv to get an ID. Well, my licence was no longer suspended, it was just expired for 11 years. Four hours of standing around and $31 later, I got my licence back. This is almost like the end of a long nightmare. It was suspended for driving without my glasses. For years there was a warrant for my immediate arrest. They had said that I'd have to go to San Diego and either pay the fines or somehow settle with the court. Fuck it. I wasn't gonna go to SD just for that.
There must be a statute of limitation on minor traffic violations. Or maybe Jerry Brown pardoned me. He forgave me because I voted for him.
Last night I had the strangest dream. I was with my sister and some friends and we were waiting for something, but I wanted to go, because there was this mean and angry electrician who was after us. Later on I was butt fucking some sweet young thing; I think the electrician was his dad and we were having butt sex all over his house. There was still this urgency about having to leave or sneak out or not be seen somehow.

February

I have to stay two more weeks, because my last pay check is coming later than I thought. Whatever. Should I take this "opportunity" to go see my father in San Diego before he keels over? He's always complained that he was old. 15 years ago he was bitching about turning 60. Which was a lie. He was more, like, turning 50. I do not care that much to give it much thought. Haven't heard from the "other" sister. Which is good. I kinda want to go to SD, kinda not. I want to go and see my brother, but that's about it. He's gonna have a baby, soon - I'm gonna be an auntie - and I know that he needs support .. support .. the term just flies out .. although he's gotten more support in a day than me in my whole entire life .. I don't care, it doesn't matter .. does anything matter?
I just don't want to see my father.
Or maybe I should go and see him after all ...

nervous

I used to always be nervous to not have any money. and that was a lot of time being nervous. right now, i scraped $6.50 for the train ride to work tomorrow morning - it's all in quarters and dimes - and that's it! I am completely broke, and I can' say that I feel very concerned. I don't even have my ticket back home yet - because that was $5 by credit card to United. Ah ah ah ah!! I'm so broke. I'm laughing but maybe I shouldn't, or maybe none of this really is that serious. I am smoking weed, I am cozy indoors when it's freezing outside, what else can I ask for?
To me, at one end of the spectrum there is the Lord Buddha, who only owned his saffron robe and the bowl he begged food with, and at the other end there is the billionaire whose greed is just consuming him. One freed countless beings from the grip of Mara, the other fed on the fear and alienation of billions.
It doesn't really interest me to just stay in this either/or model. I just want something different, more human.

out the door

almost walked out of my job today!
i'm so sick and tired of all that bullshit.
it's almost over.

new laptop

got me new laptop. it's gonna take some getting used to. transferring some files right now / that is going to take forever. the webcam is pretty cool / pretty high def for its size. i already tried manroulette, everything's gonna be alright. next i'll need that disk from work to wipe my old system clean, and then it can go to goodwill, where everything else already went. i donated my old minidisk stereo. i thought i'd feel more attached, especially with all the music i gave away .. the only thing i though about for more than a second was a remix album of serge gainsbourg. there was no way to get it from minidisk to mp3, so good-buy serge.
my coworker said i should have a going away party. i just dont really want the attention. if if was only me i'd vanish in a minute ..

one week

In one week I give my two weeks' notice. Dans une semaine je pose mes deux semaines de preavis. My net worth right now is a about one dollar. Ah ah! I have $0.11 in my savings account, and about 80 cents in the other one. I'm not really worried. Whatever should happen will.
My step mom called me at work. She wanted to know if I got the email from my other sister. That little shit (the sister, not the mom), is asking her mom to ask me ... like, her time is too fucking valuable to just talk directly to me. But that's the way she operates; she's a business woman after all: privatize the benefits, socialize the cost. If it's not worth her time, she'll outsource it. She has a very high idea of her own worth. Ah ah! We are NOT going in the same direction.
I threw some more shit out. I still have to donate my stereo, some books, clothing, and two file cabinets ..
File cabinets are weird. You find them in the street, they live with you for a while, and eventually they go back into the wild.