Take a hint

It's almost Christmas. One more day, one more night. My other sister insists on coming. I don't know what else to tell her. Why can't she take a hint. I just don't want to see her. I don't want to see anyone.

scared

Can't really be mad at people for the way they are.
It's my fault if I feel this way, if I thought that someone else would normally know what I need.
I should just let that go. There's no other solution that makes sense. I'm going to be out of there in a month, I just have to cruise on by until then.
Kind of funny how the history of the world is filled with angry people. Here it's nobody's fault but my own.
On a different note, my other sister says that she wants to visit in ten days. She's got this tone, like she's just used to bossing people around. And she probably thinks I'm one of her minions and I should make myself available.
I honestly do not have anything to say to her. She's always been a very materialistic and self-centered (she'd rather say "driven" I'm sure) and she's always made her choices around that. I am not totally indifferent about her. I dislike what she represents, and I feel sorry that she feels that she has to be that way. But really, I don't care. She can go to hell along with the rest of them.
"Oh but that wouldn't be fair to her"
Did you only just notice the bombs falling all around you?
It's called the world, it's always been there.
I know why she wants to see me. It's because my dad is dying.
I'll see her. I'm not going to hide who I am. I don't have to lie about my life. Yes, I do consider that my father has been an asshole to me my whole life, and that his other kids grew up very priviledged compared to me. My father didn't want me and he reminded me of that every chance he had. He told me verbatim to my face: "you do not deserve to be part of this family". It's something I live with every single day of my life.
Now, why do they want me to carry part of their shit?
Of course, there is always the possibility that I will never see my father alive again.
I'm honestly scared to death to see him. His big nasty eyes, full of disgust, full of hate.
He's every monster. He is THE monster.
Exactly like playing hide and seek, and I'm terrified to be found. I'm going to hide forever.
But what does the sister want?
I just emailed her.
"What do you want?"
We'll see.

Six more weeks ..

.. and I'll be home.
I'm cleaning my room, throwing a whole lot of stuff. Most of everything I own has no value. The last seven years of my life fit in two suitcases. I have a few books, two pairs of shoes, some pictures .. everything else is a jpg, pdf or mp3. I own one pair of pants, two pairs of shorts, a dozen t-shirts. I have no sweaters, no suits, no dress anything. I have a dozen pair of underwear, most of which are very old and have holes in the bottom. I also own about ten pairs of socks. I have to get rid of a printer, my computer, a dvd player and a couple of computer monitors I inherited from my last job, when we all got laid off. I have a minidisk player. I'll never use that again, so I have to get rid of it, too. They evoke good memories, but I still have to get rid of all that stuff. And I don't have much furniture either. I have no bed. I have an Ikea foam mattress I bought two years ago - and I have no dresser. I have an office cabinet I found in the street. That'll go back there.
I see this as the end of a long exile.
I know that I'm romanticizing the whole thing: I think that it'll be easier there, when in fact it's probably going to be much harder. I don't know what part is hard. How I'll adapt will determine how hard it's gonna be. I have to keep my project alive and work toward it in a way that makes sense for me. I think my goals will start by being very small so that they can be manageable. I want to start walking, then I'll start running again. I need the space and I need the environment. I can't adjust here, maybe because I don't really want to. I'm just not motivated to build anything here.
Don't get me wrong: I love the American people, I love being an American myself. I have lived in America more than half of my whole life, I'll always be attached to the idea of the American democracy. But my heart and my true family is not here. I can resist as much as I possibly could; in the end I have to go home and face my fears.