beat

I think that when you're beat up as a kid you can never feel normal.
She can go on and lash out and do all the crazy shit she always does.
I'm the one who has to live with the consequences and constantly find the excuses of why she's like that.
I am so tired.
I want to go away again. It's a no-win situation. It's not my war. I have to get away.

J's here

J's here and it's super cool. Haven't seen him for ages and it's been years my mom, my sister, J and I haven't been together. That's super super cool. He flew in yesterday and now we're Sunday and I hope he's slept enough, because we're gonna have a very busy day!

guy in jeep

Weird episode yesterday. I'm taking a walk, going through country roads. It's late afternoon, probably around 5PM. Some dude comes out from behind me in a jeep. Big all all wheel drive, kinda unusual for France; people don't like those kinds of big all all wheel drive vehicles, because they damage roads - especially country roads.
Dude come up to me and goes: "can I give you a ride" ("vous voulez que je vous depose?") And I reply something in the likes of "I'm ok, I'm taking a walk, thanks"
Dude goes away ... carries on ... about 200 meters ahead, he turns around, comes back to me and goes; "I'm from XXXXX (my village). Do you know if go on that way, do I get back to XXXX? Do you know if this is a private road, or if it's a public road?"
??? Why would anyone say that they live there, but not know if it's a public or private road, and still go on that road, and ask where that road goes even though he's jut turned around??? I mean, the guy wasn't making much sense, but whatever, I remained cordial. I wasn't going to get in his car and go anywhere with someone like that. And then I notice, between his legs, a biiig fat ... can of Bavaria 8.6, the nastiest beer on the market. It's the strongest beer (8.6% alcohol) at the cheapest price. It's just plain nasty. What kind of person drives around the countryside sipping nasty beer trying to pick up strangers. I definitely wasn't gonna suck his dick that day.
Then this morning, that same jeep drives out of the street next to ours: that dude is a neighbor!! No doubt about it; same old black jeep with a white star on the top and on the sides. Weird.

Champagne

So we're staying a couple of days with my sister at her boyfriend's in the Champagne region. It's not super cold but it's really windy. The kind of chill factor that usually gives me an ear infection. I really hope I'm not gonna get one this time because it's really really painful, and there are no drugs that work against that type of pain.
M. (my sister's boyfriend) has a kid, named M. He's a big kid now; ten years old in a couple of weeks. And he loves soccer. Everything he does relates to soccer. And he knows everything possible about soccer. Which is really great. I can't remember being that young and liking something like soccer that much.
When I was ten years old? I can't even remember what I was like at that age. Probably shy and introverted and looking for a smaller rock to crawl under. And learning to avoid the cries and the blows.
I was talking with my sister on the way over - three hours on the autobahn makes for a good opportunity to talk about family of origin issues.
Everyone suffered. Everyone suffered in their own ways. Then some decided that they needed to retaliate by torturing people who were more vulnerable than themselves. My mother tortured me. My grand mother tortured my sister. My uncles and aunts tortured my mother. Etc... and everyone continued to blame the other. Nobody was willing to take any responsibility, really. It's still impossible to breach or even approach certain subjects with my mother without her feeling that she's being blamed ... and she goes in a complete rampage for absolutely no reason. She lives almost completely alone and isolated form everyone, but if I even talk about things like "education", or something that she'll deem too near the bone (I was a school drop-out at 15, but she can't acknowledge that she had any responsibility in any of that), she'll completely lash out, completely overreact, completely out of proportion ... and that scares me, because she's always acted that way, and I have never been able to deal with her.
Hell, I put six thousand miles and twenty years between us, and I still can't deal with her.
Everyone in the family suffered in their own isolated corners. Some families get together. Ours just got divided and tore each other apart.
But I think that we're finally going to see the end of the tunnel and we might actually feel someday like normal people in a normal family. I have two cousins who are involved with the family "business" now, and they are really cool, really willing to consider everyone's interest. Unlike my younger uncle - that little shit-head - who was always only interested in his own selfish little self.
So there is hope. Continuity does't have to be linear. It can come from a more horizontal integration. As long as there will be little boys with soccer dreams, I think that there will be hope. I think we'll be ok.

J.

It's funny how people change and how what's important changes with them. I ran into J. online - on skype. He's coming to France for a week in March. He's flying forever and spending all that time and money to see a boy he's met once through friends. And he's so wrapped up in all of that, and i am so totally not. J. and I were together for six years. Five and a half years. If you'd ask him he'd say five. I have been single ever since our story collapsed. I've been single for over ten years. Hookups I have had, but no serious boyfriends. I have never even brought anyone home in the last five years. In the whole time I've lived with M. I have never brought a boy home. Not even once. But J. is so into this new guy. He's had another serious (5 years) relationship since me, and he's never been single more than what seems like a day, like, ever.
I found an couple of old letters - I don't remember who they were from. One is from some boy who basically says "too bad you're straight". I don't remember who it was, but I do have a vague memory. I remember a friend of a friend, someone very cute, very handsome, and me being very shit and basically in the closet or not very aware of my feelings. My life may have been very different if I had acted on that interest from another male / man / boy / person with a penis.
It's impossible to say, for sure. But it also means that everything's possible, I suppose.
As for J. and I, he's coming in a couple of weeks. He thought he could stay with me. I kinda wanna discourage him to stay with my mom and I. It's just not convenient or comfortable at all. Maybe we can stay with my sister. In any case, he can afford a hotel for a couple of days. He's not broke, and this is totally a leisure trip for him.